in a daze

i think i've come up with enough courage to poke my head out of the sand for a gasp of much-needed air.

so what's become of me? i couldn't tell you the truth, really. i'd honestly just feed you silver-lined bullshit because i was so nervous, so self-conscious that nothing ever really mattered at all to me.

i had an unwavering yearning for self-fulfillment. as time passed on, my visions became unclear as my mind sat in a haze. what did i want? was there a differentiation between my wants and my needs? did i really need this, or you? if it was pain, or elation, it was running deeper, cutting bottomless crevasses into my reality.

i was unable to tell if things were beautiful, even if they did hurt.

i decided that i needed to feel alive. to see that there was a difference between living and being alive. this was not an issue of semantics. i wanted to be vulnerable, to liberate myself in ways i couldn't explain nor ask of anyone else. i wanted to make a decision that could possibly be my downfall.

i wanted to say the word "love" again.

this has been long overdue.