codes & concepts

indecision is coursing through my veins as our idle hands seek and search for home.

"this will be the death of you," she says as her soulful eyes dart to the glistening horizon, her hair floating weightlessly in the summertime breeze.

"i'd rather die knowing that we saw red, together," i let these cryptic words leak from behind my teeth and into her, a monolithic mantra that i hope she will carry and commit to memory when we will be no more.

she stretches the sleeves of her top and clasps the ends into her round, securely-clutched fists. she places her hands atop the dividing concrete wall, her legs dangling and crossed at the ankles as her eyes divert their gaze to the sand below, a saccharine smile a spectacle on her soft, flawless face.

"love you," i announce, with my hands tucked between the confines of my knees, displaying the kind of insecurity and uneasiness that i cannot bear to hide whilst within the proximity of her radiating gait and aura.

without a word, i can see the consensus in her eyes and lips, and as we come to a mutual agreement, we melt.

syncope

we close our eyes, and the solitary sounds bleed into the surrounding blackened atmosphere.

exerted pressures and cautionary pulses as we grasp for a particle of purity, away from sin.

simultaneous, harmonious exhalations are all we are permitted to hear.

our eyelids rise, and the warmth of the sun comforts again.

niche

she carves a cavernous space

with her head into my chest.

i bury my nose into the tufts of her hair

and breathe her in.

SR 22

with the windows halfway rolled down, our hands peek out from the car to resemble tiny wings.

looking back at this moment, i wish we could have taken flight together. rising up from the fluorescence-kissed concrete and away from the desolate space where only we exist.

for the record, blonde redhead's "SW" is playing on repeat on the car stereo.

without a mutually-established destination, we're eastbound and plotting out the miles between us and the campus where she leaves a virgin canvas and i've abandoned a project devoid of passion.

we don't say a word, but we understand everything that we've ever wanted to know, together.

within a split second, my synapses transport us back an uncertain amount of weeks where we switch places as she takes the wheel.

"what's your opinion on drugs? do you think it's okay for me to take them?" she casually asks as she navigates through the plethora of dormitories and parking lots as we make our way to nowhere with the eventual hopes of sustenance.

"i don't have an opinion. it's your body and your choice," these fatal words spill from my throat and i fail to realize that i have partially become the enabler.

it is with these words that the next events will damage and scar me for the rest of my days.

flashback to my car, i navigate the freeways to her dormitory parking lot, pulling in and shutting the car off while we simultaneously let out tired sighs, knowing that we cannot escape the work that the neighboring buildings have imposed upon us.

our obligations and our priorities, separated and sovereign.

we each step out, restlessly, and make a bee-line towards her dorm, up the stairs with her as the lead and me in tow.

as we reach her door, we hug and are frozen in the shared, warm embrace that communicates everything that we feel without the need for words.

whilst in the company of each others' arms, our heads lift up off of the inviting shoulders and we recite our goodbyes in unison.

"see you," our exchange both succinct and significant.

these vivid images and pieces of time will forever haunt me, and i will bring them with me to my grave.

you saved me from the wretched times when i could not endure.

i thank you for that.

but now i cannot save me from myself.

stars

leaning outside the edge of the car, we tip our heads back and isolate and identify the constellations in the subdued, blackened sky.

i steal a glance and can see her playfully trace the galaxy with her fingertip with the curiosity of a child, the honest intensity in her eyes and utmost sincerity in her face.

a smirk glides across her lips.

i reach over and loosely bury my fingers into her hair and pull her in, as i gently place a kiss atop of her head.

as my eyes peer downwards, her fingertip continues to chase the stars.