tarnish

i find it simultaneously disheartening and endearing that perceptions can be stretched, skewed, distorted and even obliterated solely by not just by the people you meet, but even at the mere thought or presence of them as they flutter through your brain signals.

it begins with acension. everything you ever felt that needed to be fulfilled and voids that sat unfilled, they are automatically satiated with broken logic. this person indirectly and unrealistically provides all the solutions to your then-lacking life. this often happens without the need for physical or any interaction, if it all. this occurs during the conversational/social downtime, where concepts, interests and the myriad of facets about this person of interest flourishes into the surreal, leaving you with a smile and feelings of awe. you will imagine conversations and terms of endearment that never actually left either of your lips, details that were the spawn of your own imagination.

the plateau blindsides you and hits like a wave that you were inevitably unprepared for. there are times of mental and psychological limbo where worry mixes with anticipation, lightly adorned and garnished with anxiety of something more significant, something more uplifting. with the constant influx of sensory bliss and heavenly eye-openers, the resistance to change increases and you try your utmost best to not come down.

the aftermath of the collapse brings forth an unending mixture of grief, and admittedly, relief. the stark realization that everything you ever knew was falsified and was the sole construct of your mind. this person then forever changes your perception of what you viewed was real, that everything you view is now fiction. you slowly begin to view things in one-dimension, and their importance slowly fades. things that you used to find enjoyment and lust in are now dead weight. subtle intimate gestures and those endearing acts mean nothing to you. your eyes and how they perceive life will be forever changed.

you then tell everyone that hell has risen, but maybe we were already walking in it to begin with, the only difference is that our hands are now not clasped. maybe that was the signal we ultimately needed for us to open our eyes and to freely admit that we were both wrong, but also temporarily satisifed.

i may have unintentionally stumbled into the forays of love, only to not realize the potential for malicious harm.

thrills

let's take a walk around the beach

not minding the passers-by

we're rounding the path towards the pier

with a bottle of red wine

in the black of the sea

there's a calmness that blooms from the unknown

in the back of my mind

there's the thrilling pull of the undertow

as we fall deeper under the waves

there's no urgency for gasps of air

as the nerves trigger our last blinks

we realized we were painfully unprepared

keepsake

my ears prick up to the sounds of the wallowing wavelengths that permeate my headphones and wash away whatever fear and anxiety that lurk inside the whirlwind of my mind.

i'm writing this while sitting cross-legged on the hardwood floor of my room, tucked away in a a tiny corner, my laptop screen radiates a soft glow that creates a miniscule aura that consumes my face.

all i can think about is hell. i'm not visualizing the polar opposite of heaven and its surreal imagery of clouds, pearly gates, and zero-gravity euphoria. i don't seem to care for the varying degrees of blood red and immolation that are bathed in the molten magma tides and eternal damnation. the only concept of hell that i've carved out from my personal experiences is endless uncertainty. there was always been an underlying fear of uncertainty in all the situations that i'm presented with and i will not be afraid to admit that i will falter, i will succumb.

anxiety makes me worry makes me think of hell makes me think of what are the consequences of being indecisive and the negative repercussions that spawn from choosing the incorrect actions by following the signals that my heart relays to my brain.

there are some things that you will never know and will die knowing that the answer will never see the light of day, the words will never pass lips and will be forever locked behind those teeth.

i sit and attempt to define what significance a keepsake can be to myself and to the ones i love, in the dormant past, the uncertain past and the technicolor, surreal future. an intriciately weaved cotton belt adorned with a machine-pressed buckle, a molded plastic keychain, the meaningful recreations of what will probably never occur, created my chemicals and electrical pulses through my brain.

what percentage of what i perceive is real, and does the difference that remains always a reality?

patience & punishment

i'm silently sitting on top of a bare nightstand, sterile from the absence of any decorative personality. slightly hunched while propping myself up with my elbows at my knees, i make an honest attempt to see her future.

optimism in the guise of a fever dream.

somewhere within those undulating chest compressions there lies a beacon that shines brightly and radiates an outward warmth that brushes against my cheek. i turn my head and catch its warm embrace and let out a shallow sigh, an asymmetric amalgamation of lament and loss.

a thoughtful and sentimental touch can fix what sutures cannot.

aimless anticipation with an omen as an outcome, we stand our ground and refuse to raise the white flag. i close my eyes and we are now copies made from the same broken template. there is no logic or laymen's terms that can explain what has been wrought.

inhale, exhale, these rhythms marring my memory.

honey

taught you to stand

pushed you to sing

but nobody warned you

that you'd bleed